Birthday Reflections Part 1: How I Let My Past Empower Me Today

I celebrated my 52nd birthday last week. And it’s funny how celebrating your special day puts you in such a reflective mood. Now that I’m over half a century old, I’ve realized that looking back can be good. I’m not one for regrets because I know that all the challenges I’ve faced helped me become who I am today, as cliché as it may sound.

It’s been a while since I’ve shared something deeply personal here in my blog. So I thought that by telling my story during my birthday month (and the weeks that follow), I could perhaps help people learn from the mistakes I’ve made in the past. If not, I hope you’ll at least be entertained.

I’ve always stood by the belief that whatever we say or do, we somehow can affect people. And I hope that my story affects you in a positive way.

Where do I begin?

I was born and raised in a traditional Chinese family. For most of my life, I lived in comfort and security. We weren’t exactly living luxuriously, but my parents at least had enough to keep a roof over our heads, get my siblings and I into good schools, and keep the entire family fed.

Not knowing any better back then, I thought that I’d go through life like clockwork: finish college, help in the family business, get married, and be an ever-supportive wife to my husband and a loving mother to my kids. And that was exactly what happened...until tragedy fell on my marriage.

Before my relationship with my then-husband fell apart, I didn’t think there was more to life than what I already had. I was content and happy. What more could I have asked for? So for him to suddenly walk out of our marriage, it turned my world upside down.

I now needed to raise and feed my four kids as a single parent.

Where was I going to get the money to pay for their needs?

When I was still with my husband, I was his right hand in the business, handling the whole accounting department. I was responsible for anything that had to do with numbers; from taking care of the over one hundred employees to settling the collectibles and receivables; to doing inventories and computing for sales and profit. I was also in charge of the household and office expenses to bank deposits and other forms of investments. You can say that I had a lot on my plate day-to-day.

However, the many years I spent working for my husband’s business and my parents’ business prior to that robbed me of developing self-confidence. I have always leaned on someone else for stability and to make major decisions for me. So to suddenly be left to fend for myself and four very young children, it freaked me out.

I couldn’t bring myself to go to my parents. There was this outdated and old-fashioned notion that women had to swallow their pride, be more forgiving, and carry the burden of shame in conflicts between husband and wife. Separation is taboo as well among Chinese families. But I knew deep down that there was no going back – that I couldn’t love him the same way again. And I just didn’t want the extra emotional baggage of having to bring my parents into my relationship with my husband.

For the first time in my life, I felt totally helpless in the predicament I found myself in. I was worried and scared more than I have ever been my entire life. Even worse, I felt alone in my struggle. The only thing that kept me going was the love for my kids.

After my separation, I recall a good friend of mine helping me figure out what I was going to do for a living. “What did you dream of becoming when you were growing up,” he asked. And I thought long and hard about it, but I couldn’t give him an answer. As the eldest daughter in a mostly traditional Chinese family, I was expected to “help out” in the family business, which was what I did until I got married. I’m not complaining about it. It’s just that, when I needed it most, I didn't have anything to show for my name – no significant work experience or major accomplishments.

I was completely lost. So much so that while driving through a rundown part of Quezon City one day, I saw the faces of my kids among the kids playing in the streets, whose families probably live on a day-to-day basis. That was when my maternal instincts kicked in to harshly remind me that I had to do something for the sake of my kids’ future.

In retrospect, it was the pent-up emotions of anger, sadness, and fear that helped me reach my goals and be able to provide for my kids. I realized that sometimes it’s actually the feelings we perceive as negative that help us build something great. That’s why, whenever I look back in the past, I don’t feel regret. Instead, I let my past empower me and bring me more confidence in who I am today.

I’ve been once asked by a close friend what I would do differently if I’d known this would happen to my marriage. I guess she was expecting me to verbalize my hate and disgust towards my ex-husband. Without thinking twice though, I replied that I would work harder on my marriage and on myself so if temptation comes his way, he would think a hundred times before falling into its trap.

This is not expressing regret, but rather improving myself in a way that empowers me.

However, as much as negative emotions can make you stronger, you also have to learn to eventually let them go. Too much negativity won’t do you any good. The roller coaster of emotions I had took me to a plateau of indifference towards my ex-husband – not a good place for someone who is a firm believer in God’s love and grace. That long plateau helped me learn to forgive. And forgiveness, in my case, is an intentional daily act.

I was able to overcome challenges because I felt all these emotions.

It’s normal to feel sorrow when tragic events happen in our lives. Admittedly, I was a mess when my then-husband and I separated. We’re human, after all. But take it from me, there are always two ways to deal with your past: you can either let it defeat you or you can use it to inspire you to be a better human being and motivate you to keep pushing forward.