Death and Disability. Now what? Part 3 – Lessons from a Single Momma #2

When I wrote the first entry of this blog series four years ago, my biggest concern was how will my four children be taken care of in case of my untimely death. These included who will take them in, what parts of my estate they’ll inherit, and how their tuition fees and other needs will be paid for. While some of these remain a concern until today, a lot has changed since that time.

Two of my children have since finished schooling and are now working. The other two, meanwhile, are now studying in a university. So my financial responsibilities as a mother have since lessened. They’re not entirely independent yet, but at least they’re now on their way there.

These changes propelled me to revisit my plans in case of an emergency that takes my life or causes me to be disabled. Despite knowing that I already have some preparations in place and that my children are much older now, my job as their mother is not entirely done yet. There are still some important lessons that they need to learn before I can say that I’m truly ready to go.

Death

Teaching My Kids Independence

There’s no better time to teach my kids about independence than now, as they’re growing up and taking on the world. And teaching them doesn’t mean kicking them out and having them live by themselves.

Most children from Filipino-Chinese households continue to live with their families until, perhaps, they get married. It’s sort of a cultural thing. And there’s no shame in that. With the rising costs of utilities and real estate, it’s sometimes a lot more practical to continue to live with your family than on your own. I actually don’t mind if my kids continue to live with me moving forward.

What I do want them to learn, however, is that they have to be independent in the sense that they won’t have to rely on anyone else to be fully-functioning adults.

I learned this the hard way having been sheltered for most of my life. Looking back, I was essentially moving from one “box” to another. The first “box” was with my parents, where I worked for their business and couldn’t care less about anything else. The second was with my husband, who also owned a business that was making enough to support our growing family. I was always comfortable within these “boxes” that I failed to consider what might happen if all the protective walls around me suddenly crumbled. And that’s exactly what happened when my husband decided to leave me and I had disagreements with my parents.

At that time, I felt completely lost. I chose not to go back to my parents as they wanted me to give the marriage another chance when I already knew there was no way it could work again. I also couldn’t just restart my life immediately from scratch. I couldn’t even open a bank account or apply for a new mobile number because all the bills were under my husband’s name. In a way, I felt like I didn’t have an identity, that I was nobody without these people.

Even worse, I was advised by a dear friend that in most separations involving a third party, it was only a matter of time before financial support from the husband stopped. That’s when my worst fears of not being able to provide for my kids became very real.

Of course, I eventually was able to pick myself back up and move on with life. But these experiences have taught me valuable lessons that I now know I must impart on my kids, if I’m to stop similar events from also happening to them. That’s why I train them to grow a backbone; have some mettle; and establish their own identity. So that they can face and overcome difficulties on their own in the future.

Part of all this is financial independence, which is what I’m focusing on teaching my children right now. For instance, I recently talked to my daughter about diversifying her investment portfolio. She already has a number of financial plans under her name, but when it comes to investments, it’s always safer to put your eggs in different baskets.

So I contacted a friend who works in real-estate to ask about my daughter purchasing a property. She pointed us to a condominium building that was in the pre-launch phase and offered huge discounts on units. We went ahead with the purchase. I explained to my daughter how she only needed to shell out a portion of her monthly salary to pay off the amortization of the condo, something she could use herself; sell at a higher price; or put up for rent in the future. This way I’m helping secure her future while giving her a bit of insight into the financial responsibilities that lay ahead of her.

I know my children will still make mistakes as they grow older. That’s unavoidable. However, I’m confident that I’ve done my job well enough that they’ll pick themselves back up when they stumble and keep pushing forward even without me around. Knowing that they’re able to do so will make me proud as a mother and let me rest with some peace of mind.

My preparations for death continue in Part 4 of this blog series.